I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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