the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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