I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
