It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
