Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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