Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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