this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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