She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
my shit smells like andre
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
