I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
