It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
