I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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