I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
