K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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