The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
