i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
