i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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