When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
