I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
