Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
