You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
