i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
