I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The beer is more important than you right now.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
