Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
