Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
