anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
