would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
