im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
