I think i peed on brittanys purse
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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