I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
