I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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