I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
