I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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