I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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