Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
