he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
