I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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