Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
