I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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