I am puke
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
