i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
birth control should be required to get into college
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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