On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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