ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
