i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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