Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
