i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
