Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
