It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
