i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
