all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
