Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
