I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize