don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
