God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
cat food counts as protein by the way
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
