I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
